Throughout much of my life, I have struggled with depression. I felt robbed of my teenage years and early twenties as I saw everything through the all-encompassing lens of depression, overcome by despair, feelings of worthlessness, and suicidal thoughts. In Battle Ready Podcast- Mental Health, Erwin McManus explains that when a person breaks down, they never become overwhelmingly loving or infinitely empathetic, when we break down it’s as though we traumatize the best parts of us so what we are left with is the worst of us (McManus, E. M. + A., 2017). This rings true in my life as I lost myself and felt that there was no good in me. With every day that I would cry out to God with no reply, I became more bitter and angry, pushing away everyone who loved me, including God. Isolation is so common in people who struggle with depression in that we want to shut everybody out when we need them the most because we feel that we are a burden. In doing this, however, we shut out the very people that can speak life into us and can fight for us when we don’t have the energy or capacity to fight for ourselves. This is why it is so important to surround yourself with people that can speak life into you. When I was in the thick of my depression, I didn’t want to hear that my thoughts were wrong because I was fully convinced that what I believed was right and that I’m seeing things clearly for the first time. I was convinced that I was alone in my suffering and that nobody understands, but that was because I was alone. Allowing people in that told me what scripture says about me even when I didn’t want to hear it was crucial for me. Slowly over time it started to internalize and the anger and bitterness that I harbored towards God went away. As I read the Bible for myself, I saw that we are precious and honored in his eyes, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, that when we were saved we were made new in Him, that he takes delight in us, and so much more. When our thoughts of ourselves align with how the Lord sees us, it does not allow these negative outcomes and thoughts of ourselves that have plagued our minds to prevail (McManus, E. M. + A., 2017).
For much of the time I was struggling, people with good intentions would try to give me advice by saying to read my bible more or saying that I do not have enough faith or have unresolved sin. This put me into a deeper spiral of self-hatred and blaming myself for being trapped by the weight of this illness, as well as blaming God for not taking it away from me. Although I have heard so many miraculous stories about people being healed of their mental health issues instantly, this was not my story. It has taken me years to simply get to a place where I now have more good days than bad. As I studied and learned what the Bible says regarding depression, I took comfort in the fact that I was not struggling because I did something wrong like I have been told, but because I am human and that many prominent figures in the Bible struggled with mental health as well. Elijah asked God to end his life, Job cursed the day he was born, we can see in the Psalms that David battled deep despair, and there are so many more that we can see throughout scripture. God never condemned them for the way they were feeling, but actually used it for them to be refined and grow in character to step into their calling and become who God has created them to be. In the Battle Ready Podcast- Mental Health, Erwin McManus states, “The more damage you allow to your soul, the longer it takes for God to heal you because it is a deep, honest, and authentic work that He is doing for you” (McManus, E. M. + A., 2017). In hindsight, I realized the reason that God allowed me to be left with the worst parts of myself was to be forced to face it head-on and to become who he created me to be. It forced me to come to the end of myself and realize that I can’t do life without Him and I wasn’t created to. I am now thankful for the journey because I can see how much God has grown me through it.
While going through depression, Matthew 6:25-34 has been a passage of comfort for me. It states,
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Through this passage, Jesus states that we do not have to worry or be hopeless about the future because the Lord is in control. He feeds the birds of the air, he makes sure the lilies of the field grow, and how much more valuable are you than they are? When your life is in chaos and you see no good in your future, the Lord sees the big picture and works all things for our good, even when it seems impossible. As someone who did not think I would even live to see twenty, I am so glad I stayed and the Lord has truly saved my life. He values you, He loves you, He has you here for a reason, and He will redeem what is broken in his perfect timing.
References
McManus, E. M. + A. (2017, November 14). Mental health – S01E02 – Battle Ready with Erwin & Aaron McManus. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRYdKFqu0wk
NASB: New American Standard Bible. Foundation Publications, Publisher for the Lockman Foundation, 2020
