10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem is a very interest-ing and rewarding book! Clearly and warmly written, Schiraldi’s
book is filled with valuable and varied possibilities for enhanc-ing self-esteem and exploring the wonder and mystery of this
human life.
—Jeffrey Brantley, MD, founder and director of
the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program
at the Duke University Center for Integrative
Medicine, author of Calming Your Anxious Mind,
and coauthor of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Skills Workbook and Five Good Minutes
Schiraldi skillfully blends theory and practice into a how-to
manual for developing and strengthening self-esteem. Written
in an easy, conversational style, this engaging book provides
practical suggestions interspersed with real-life scenes.
—A. Dean Byrd, Ph.D., MBA, MPH, president of
Thrasher Research Fund and clinical professor at
the University of Utah School of Medicine, and
Elaine H. Byrd, Ed. D., professor of education
at Utah Valley State College
This is for anyone seeking to manage the stresses of modern life
and to feel good on a daily basis. Packed with simple, under-standable activities to help reduce stress and make meaning
in life, the book will help anyone who wants to improve his
or her own self-esteem or that of a close friend or loved one.
Marrying the best of Eastern and Western thought in an easy-to-understand format, Schiraldi empowers the reader to create
their best life possible.
—Marcia Marinelli, Ph.D., NCC, assistant director of
the University of Maryland Counseling Center and
affiliate assistant professor in the Department of
Counseling & Personnel Services at the university
A concise, skills-based approach to building self-esteem.
Schiraldi’s distinction between one’s core worth and things that
help us experience that worth is particularly helpful, as are his
thoughts about identifying and replacing distorted thinking.
Well done
—Claudia A. Howard, M Ed., owner of Individual
Potential Seminars, both speaks and conducts
workshops on self-image, conflict resolution,
and relationship patterns
How to End Self-Doubt,
Gain Confidence &
Create a Positive Self-Image
GLENN R. SCHIRALDI, PH.D.
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
10 Simple
Solutions
for Building
Self-Esteem
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject
matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychologi-cal, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services
of a competent professional should be sought.
Body Appreciation Meditation in chapter 7: Condensed slightly and reprinted with permission from
Canfield, Jack, (1985), “Body Appreciation,” in Wisdom, Purpose and Love. Copyright 1985, Jack
Canfield, coauthor, Chicken Soup for the Soul series. Do not reproduce without written permission.
This version was originally reprinted with permission in Schiraldi, G. R. (2001). The Self-Esteem
Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
The defusing exercises “Identify the source of the Pain,” “Milk, Milk, Milk,” “Keep a Journal,” and
“Carry It With You” in chapter 3 is adapted with permission from Get Out of Your Mind and Into
Your Life by S.C. Hayes and S. Smith, published by New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA in
2005. © by S.C. Hayes and S. Smith, 2005.
The “Candle of Forgiveness” exercise in chapter 9 is adapted with permission from Act on Life Not
on Anger by G.H. Eifert, M. McKay, and J.P. Forsyth, published by New Harbinger Publications,
Oakland, CA in 2006. © by G.H. Eifert, M. McKay, and J. P. Forsyth, 2006.
The “Parable of the Broken Microscope Slides” in chapter 9 is adapted with permission from an
unpublished sermon by the Rev. P.C. Shupe. © by P.C. Shupe 2006.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
All Rights Reserved
Printed in the United States of America
Copyright © 2007 by Glenn Schiraldi
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Cover design by Amy Shoup;
Edited by Karen O’Donnell Stein; Text design by Tracy Carlson
The Library of Congress has Cataloged the print edition as:
Schiraldi, Glenn R., 1947- 10 simple solutions for building self-esteem : how to end self-doubt, gain confidence, and create a
positive self-image / Glenn Schiraldi.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-495-5
ISBN-10: 1-57224-495-X
1. Self-esteem. I. Title. II. Title: Ten simple solutions for building self-esteem.
BF697.5.S46S34 2007
158.1--dc22
2007012998
PDF eBook ISBN 978-1-57224-743-7
Contents
Acknowledgments v
Introduction 1
1 Know What Self-Esteem Is 3
2 Be Mindful 11
3 Clear Away Negative Thoughts 27
4 Be Aware of Your Strengths 45
5 Use Mindful Meditations 53
iv 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
6 Cultivate Joy 79
7 Appreciate Your Body 95
8 Care for Your Mind by
Caring for Your Body 105
9 Develop Your Character and Spirituality 115
10 Look Ahead 147
Recommended Resources 157
References 165
Acknowledgments
In this book I have tried to combine the best of Western and
Eastern psychology. I am grateful indeed for the pioneering
work of Drs. Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis, who developed
systematic ways to uproot destructive thought patterns, and to
Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn for developing the Mindfulness-Based Stress
Reduction program, which has enabled mindfulness meditation
practices to be applied to the alleviation of a host of medical
and psychological conditions. Drs. Zindel Segal, Mark Williams,
John Teasdale, and John McQuaid, as well as Paula Carmona,
have brought together mindfulness practices and cognitive
restructuring for the treatment of depression, while Dr. Jeffrey
Brantley has applied mindfulness to the treatment of anxiety. I
am thankful for the work of Dr. Steven Hayes, whose accep-tance and commitment therapy, itself a skillful blending of West
and East, has contributed much to this book. Mother Teresa,
the Dalai Lama, Sogyal Rinpoche, Viktor Frankl, and many
other extraordinary people have, through their example and
teachings, also influenced this book greatly.
I deeply appreciate the students of all ages at the University
of Maryland for so diligently and graciously experimenting
with the practices in this book over the years, thereby helping
me to better understand how to teach these practices more
effectively.
vi 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
Finally, I thank the wonderful, diligent people at New
Harbinger Publications, especially Tesilya Hanauer, Heather
Mitchener, and Karen O’Donnell Stein, the editors who have
worked so thoughtfully with me to bring this book to fruition,
and Tracy Carlson, who skillfully put my words into visual
form.
Parts of this book are adapted from an earlier book of
mine, The Self-Esteem Workbook (Schiraldi 2001).
Introduction
Why build self-esteem? The benefits of having self-esteem
are numerous. Self-esteem is strongly associated with
happiness, psychological resilience, and a motivation to
live a productive and healthy life. Those lacking self-esteem are
more likely to experience depression, anxiety, problem anger,
chronic pain, immunosuppression, and a variety of other dis-tressing physical and psychological symptoms. Indeed, Morris
Rosenberg, Ph.D., the foremost researcher on self-esteem, said
it well when he stated that nothing can be more stressful than
the experience of lacking the basic anchor and security of a
wholesome sense of self-worth. So self-esteem is essential to
our health, coping abilities, survival, and sense of well-being.
During my tenure at the University of Maryland, I devel-oped a skills-based course that improved self-esteem while
reducing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and problem anger
in adults eighteen to sixty-eight years of age (Schiraldi and
Brown 2001). It was very good news to discover that mental
health could be improved by employing such an approach.
Those self-esteem skills are described in detail in my earlier
book, The Self-Esteem Workbook (Schiraldi 2001), which you
10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
might someday find beneficial to tackle. However, if you now
lack the time or readiness, or if current circumstances prevent
you from beginning that systematic approach, then 10 Simple
Solutions to Self-Esteem is for you. It offers a simpler, quicker
approach to increasing self-esteem—one that I hope you will
find richly rewarding.
1 Know What
Self-Esteem Is
Many myths and misunderstandings surround self-esteem.
So let’s begin by clearly understanding where we are
going in this book. Self-esteem is a realistic, apprecia-tive opinion of oneself. Realistic means we are dealing in the
truth, being accurately and honestly aware of our strengths,
weaknesses, and everything in between. Appreciative, however,
suggests that we have good feelings overall about the person
we see. Think of a friend who knows you well and cherishes
you, recognizing that there is more to you than your faults, and
you’ll get a sense of what appreciative means.
Wholesome self-esteem is the conviction that one is as
worthwhile as anyone else, but not more so. On one hand, we
feel a quiet gladness to be who we are and a sense of dignity
that comes from realizing that we share what all humans
possess—intrinsic worth. On the other hand, those with self-esteem remain humble, realizing that everyone has much to
learn and that we are all really in the same boat. There is no
need to be arrogant or boastful, no need to think that we are
10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
more worthwhile as a person than others or more skilled or
important than we really are.
Self-esteem is not the same as being self-centered, self-absorbed, or selfish. One who feels whole and secure in
him- or herself is freer to be selfless. Can a criminal have high
self-esteem? I suppose it is theoretically possible. However, a
recent study found that aggressive, rebellious children were
more likely to have been bullied; feel rejected, unhappy, and
unloved; and have a poor self-image than less aggressive chil-dren (Sprott and Doob 2000). So it is important to distinguish
the outer appearance of confidence from the quiet, steady,
inner gladness that characterizes self-esteem.
Self-esteem is also not complacency or overconfidence,
both of which can set us up for failure. Indeed, self-esteem is
a strong motivator to work hard. And self-esteem is not just
important for people in Western cultures; studies have shown
that self-esteem is related to the mental health and happiness
of adults in diverse cultures, including Asian (Lee 2002; Zhang
2005) and Middle Eastern societies (Hobfoll and London 1986;
Hobfoll and Leiberman 1987).
The Building Blocks of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem rests upon three important factors, or building
blocks. The first two blocks, unconditional worth and uncondi-tional love, comprise the secure foundation for the third build-ing block, growth. Generally, growth proceeds more effectively
once the first two blocks are securely in place.
Know What Self-Esteem Is
Building Block 1:
unconditional Worth
A basic premise is that all people have equal, immea-surable, unchanging intrinsic worth as a person. Worth as a
person is neither earned nor increased or diminished by exter-nal factors, such as the way people treat you, bad decisions, or
fluctuations in your bank account balance. Granted, this is not
the message one hears in the marketplace or in certain social
circles, which assign worth based on social or financial status,
but the assumption of equal worth as a person is not a new
one, and it can be quite empowering. Even very bright people
may struggle with this concept, since they have been given the
message that inner worth can rise or fall with performance or
circumstances. So I’ve found that the following analogy helps.
Perhaps you can visualize a spherical crystal, whose facets
refract light so beautifully.
Figure 1
Self-Esteem
Growth
Unconditional
Love
Unconditional
Worth
10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
Externals
Core Worth
(Essential, Spiritual Self)
Externals
Figure 2 The Core Self
The crystal represents the core worth of each individual.
Each facet of the crystal represents an attribute needed for
living well. The facets include the capacities to love, think
rationally, sacrifice, persevere, beautify and experience beauty,
and make good decisions. Each facet may be polished and
refined as we develop.
Know What Self-Esteem Is
The core self might also be likened to a seed. Think of a
newborn baby. Like that seed, the baby is already whole, pos-sessing in embryo every attribute needed in order to flourish.
The baby is complete, yet certainly not completed (that is, not
perfect or fully developed).
Externals
Externals are outer events or circumstances that can
alter the way we experience our worth but do not change our
worth. Certain externals or experiences can camouflage or
hide one’s core worth, like a dark cloud or haze that surrounds
and obscures it. Perhaps one has been emotionally, physically,
or sexually abused. Such treatment by others can lead one to
believe that one is defective at the core, even though the core
remains whole and worthwhile. Similarly, people who have
experienced trauma such as rape or combat often feel shattered
inside, but they can benefit from the help of specially trained
trauma counselors to again feel whole, or healed. (Interestingly,
the words whole, heal, and health all derive from the same
root. Please see the Recommended Resources section at the
back of the book for suggestions regarding how to locate help.)
Other externals act like sunlight, illuminating our core worth
and helping us to experience that worth with satisfaction. For
instance, being loved by others or successfully completing an
important task helps us experience our worth more intensely,
which feels good.
However, externals—whether good or bad—are not
the core. If a person equates his or her core human worth
to the value of his or her investment portfolio (an external),
then that person’s self-esteem will rise and fall with the stock
market, going up and down like a roller coaster. Our goal in
this chapter is to learn to separate core worth from externals.
Imagine that the cloud around the crystal (core worth) is sepa-rated from the crystal and moved away from it, representing
the fact that core worth is independent of externals.
10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
Externals include the state of one’s body (appearance,
vitality, and health), economic status, gender, race, age, job
title, promotions, awards, adversity, relationship or family
(marriage or dating status, number of children, functioning
level of family), popularity, school grades, mistakes, moods,
job or athletic performance, skill levels, and control over
events. It can be difficult to separate core worth from externals
when the media suggests that one is less than worthwhile if one
isn’t powerful, wealthy, young, and beautiful. However, as the
dying wise man counseled his young friend before his death in
Tuesdays with Morrie (Albom 1997, 42), “The culture we have
does not make people feel good about ourselves. And you have
to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t
buy it.” Once we are sure of our equal intrinsic worth, then we
are relieved of the need to compete in order to establish worth.
We are less inclined to judge ourselves and compare ourselves
to others. In short, we become more secure in our own worth,
and thus in ourselves.
Sometimes very bright people have difficulty separating
inner worth from externals. They ask how someone can have
worth when they are not valued by others or when they feel so
worthless. Consider a child who has not accomplished much
of anything yet. Why is that child so precious to his or her
parents? Partly because the parents have chosen to value the
child. Partly because each child has innate qualities that we
enjoy (the delight of the child at play, for example). Despite the
child’s inexperience and rough edges, he or she also has unlim-ited potential to love, beautify, comfort, laugh, change course
when mistakes are made, be patient, be gentle, be persistent,
develop, and make the world a better place in countless other
ways. We adults can also choose to value our own innate worth
and capacities. And as we look back over our lives and remem-ber the ways we have contributed to the well-being of ourselves
and others, in any way large or small, we are reminded that
no one is worthless.
Know What Self-Esteem Is
Building Block 2:
unconditional love
The psychologist Abraham Maslow (Lowry 1973) noted
that psychological health is not possible without love for the
essential core. Children with self-esteem tend to have parents
who love them. These parents show interest in the children’s
lives, treat them with respect, encourage and support them
as they strive to attain high standards, and care about them
enough to set reasonable limits. The good news is that even
those who did not experience this type of parental love can
learn to become good parents to themselves.
What is love? I suggest that love is (1) a feeling that we
experience, (2) the attitude that wants what is best for the
beloved at each and every moment, (3) a decision and com-mitment made each day (even if we don’t feel like it), and (4)
a skill that we learn. If the core is like a seed, then love is the
nourishment that helps the seed grow. Love does not create
worth (it already exists). However, love helps us experience
our worth and enjoy the process of growing. Even though we
might not always have the love of others, we can always choose
to love ourselves.
Each individual person has been created to love
and be loved.
—Mother Teresa
Building Block 3: groWth
We tend to feel better about ourselves when we are living
constructively—making reasonable decisions, developing desir-able attributes, and polishing the rough edges around the core.
10 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
Thus, we might think of building block 3 as the process of
completing, coming to flower, or putting love into action.
Growing is a direction and a process, not reaching a destina-tion. Growing does not change our core worth, but it helps us
to experience it with greater satisfaction. The inner core can
grow even as the body ages or becomes infirm. As the concen-tration camp survivor Viktor Frankl (1959) noted, people can
attain inner freedom even though their bodies are imprisoned.
We grow as we try to lift others along with ourselves, as we
develop in character and personality, and as we discover ways
to enjoy wholesome pleasures.
Exercise: Start with the End in Mind
Consider some of the main points that we have explored so far:
Self-esteem is a quiet and relatively unshakeable sense of satisfac-tion that comes from recognizing and appreciating our existing
worth, and then choosing to love and grow. Self-esteem is not
comparative and competitive. That is, we do not acquire worth by
outshining others. Instead, we learn to recognize and experience
our worth. Self-esteem does not boast or put others down. Rather,
one with self-esteem considers the well-being of others as well as
the well-being of oneself. Self-esteem can be built through persis-tent effort. The building process is one that involves seeing clearly,
loving, and developing.
For a few moments, reflect upon the following:
How might you appreciate yourself when you are
imperfect, are mistreated, or compare less favorably to
others?
What would be the positive consequences of appreciat-ing yourself more?
2 Be Mindful
Our experiences in life and our perception of externals can
change the way we feel about ourselves. The wonderful
news, however, is that we can learn how to develop self-esteem. In building self-esteem, effective attempts will target
thoughts, images, feelings, and behaviors. Which do you think
makes the best starting point? Imagine a cycle that looks like
this:
Figure 3
Feelings
Thoughts
Behaviors
Thoughts
1 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
A parent gives a child an age-appropriate task, such as
taking out the trash (behavior). When the child succeeds, he
or she is praised and thinks, “I can do it; the world is reason-able” (thoughts). The child then feels confident, which leads to
more constructive thoughts such as “I can probably do other
things and succeed.” As a result, the child might pick up an
instrument and learn to play it (behavior). This in turn leads
to more constructive thoughts, which lead to more feelings of
confidence, and the cycle continues in a way that strengthens
self-esteem. Got the picture? I will often show this cycle to
adults and ask, “So where do you think is the best place to
intervene when trying to build self-esteem—thoughts, behav-ior, or feelings?” People usually respond that it is best to jump
in at the behaviors and thoughts level. Nothing wrong with
that—in a cyclical model there is no wrong answer. However,
consider this: Where do parents of a newborn intervene when
they hold the baby to the breast, embrace him or her, or look
into the baby’s eyes and smile? Are they teaching the baby how
to think and behave? (Are they saying, “I love you because
you are so smart and will become the CEO of a large cor-poration?”) Or are they affecting the baby’s feelings? It’s an
interesting question. Usually we adults choose to start with
thoughts and behaviors. It seems safer and more concrete, and
our thoughts and behaviors are important. But the attitudes of
the heart, I wish to suggest, are at least as important.
The Tibetan View: Mindfulness
Mindfulness meditation has been found in recent years to
improve a wide range of medical and psychological condi-tions, ranging from chronic pain to stress, anxiety, depression,
Be Mindful 13
sleep disorders, and eating disorders. It appears to increase
activity in the area of the brain associated with happiness and
optimism. Practitioners of mindfulness often feel more self- confident and comfortable in their own skin despite external
events. In fact, results have been so impressive that mindfulness
meditation is now being taught in academic medical centers,
pain clinics, hospitals, and schools (including law schools) all
over the world.
Mindfulness meditation was introduced to Western
medical circles in 1979 by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., at the
University of Massachusetts Medical School, and is based on
the Theravada Buddhist tradition. This tradition explores the
working of the mind and considers how people can be happier
and suffer less. Mindfulness is respectful of and compatible
with other traditions because it does not judge one approach
as better or worse. In the foreword to Kabat-Zinn’s book Full
Catastrophe Living, Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., noted that “mind-fulness is more than a meditation practice that can have pro-found medical and psychological benefits; it is also a way of
life that reveals the gentle and loving wholeness that lies at
the heart of our being, even in times of great pain and suffer-ing” (1990, xvii). Perhaps you already notice that the mindful-ness approach is consistent with the concepts we explored in
chapter 1.
The peaceful Tibetan masters teach that we are of two
minds: the wisdom mind and the ordinary mind (Rinpoche
1993). (Refer to figure 4 on the next page.)
1 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
Wisdom mind and ordinary mind
The wisdom mind represents our true happy nature,
which is similar to the core self. The wisdom mind, like the
core depicted in chapter 1, is kind, wise, and compassionate—
it desires the happiness of others as much as that of ourselves
(which is why it is happy), and it is good humored, hopeful,
peaceful, simple, and integrated. The wisdom mind is charac-terized by self-esteem and dignity, but also humility—realizing
that all people possess the wisdom mind. However, the ordinary
mind surrounds the wisdom mind like a dark cloud, keeping us
unaware of our true happy nature and causing much suffering
(Rinpoche 1993).
The ordinary mind attaches to swirling, racing thoughts
and disturbing negative emotions. When we say “I am beside
myself with anger (or worry),” we mean that we are caught up
in the ordinary mind and separated from our wisdom mind.
Mindfulness meditation teaches methods of getting beneath
Figure 4
Ordinary
Wisdom
Mind
Mind
Be Mindful 1
these scattered thoughts and distressing feelings to rest in the
peaceful wholeness of the wisdom mind.
Young children do not appear to experience self-dislike.
As we age, however, we learn to endlessly think, judge,
compare, criticize, worry, blame, obsess about faults, evaluate,
and fight against the way life is. We demand that life, or our
selves, be different, and we get angry when we don’t get what
we think we must have. We fear losing what we do have, and
we feel sad when we lose what we think we need in order to be
happy. Mindfulness teaches people how to release the ordinary
mind’s attachments that keep us unhappy, and how to rest in
the wisdom mind. When agitated water is allowed to settle,
it becomes very clear. Likewise, when we allow our minds to
settle, we can see clearly once again. (Later in the book, we’ll
explore meditation methods that help us to do this.)
In mindfulness meditation, the attitudes of the heart are
very important. In fact, in many of the Asian languages, the
word for “mind” is the same as the word for “heart.” Fairly
early in the teaching of this approach, Jon Kabat-Zinn (1990)
introduces the attitudes of mindfulness. However, we might
think of these as attitudes of “heartfulness,” reminding our-selves that these attitudes are deeper than the chatter of the
mind and are experienced in the body. Let’s explore these, as
they embody the emotional goals of self-esteem building and
form the emotional foundation for our journey.
Heartfulness Attitudes
The ten attitudes of heartfulness, adapted from a work by Jon
Kabat-Zinn (1990), suggest a different way of being—a new
way of relating to ourselves and the world.
Patience. Growth takes a long time. When
we plant a tomato seed, we do not stomp it
1.
1 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
and loudly criticize it for not being a tomato.
Instead we gently place it in fertile soil and
make sure it gets plenty of water and sunlight.
And when a sprout emerges from the soil, we
say, “Oh boy, it’s growing.” We continue to
nurture the plant at all times and take satisfac-tion in the process. To be patient is to trust and
never give up on the growth process, without
making angry demands and expectations or
worrying that the seed won’t flourish prop-erly. We usually can’t foresee just how and
when our efforts will bear fruit. “Patience
is a bitter plant, but it has sweet fruit,” as a
German proverb goes. Or, as another saying
goes, “One must wait until evening to see how
splendid the day has been.”
Acceptance. Acceptance means to take in, or
welcome. To accept, then, is to see clearly and
with full awareness the good and bad, suffer-ing and joy, as part of life, and to experience
life without battling, insisting that things be
different, or immediately trying to change, fix,
or get rid of the present distress. Even if we are
unsure of what to do, we can dispassionately
observe, “This is the way things are right now.”
Once we can accurately see the situation, then
we are free to decide what to do—whether to
act constructively or allow the situation to be
as it is without resisting it.
When we accept guests in our home, we
receive them with pleasure just as they are.
When we accept ourselves, we experience our-selves with a similar welcoming attitude. We are
aware of our weaknesses (and perhaps become
determined to improve so that we might expe-2.
Be Mindful 1
rience ourselves with even greater pleasure).
We also recognize that we are not perfect and
cannot will ourselves to immediately become
perfect. So we accept ourselves as we are, for
now. We would do this for a child, and we
can learn to do this with ourselves. As the psy-chologist Carl Rogers observed, “The curious
paradox is that when I accept myself just as I
am, then I can change” (1987, 17).
Broader than self-acceptance, acceptance
means that we also welcome the world as it is.
That is, we take in all situations and the range
of resulting feelings—embarrassment, fear,
shame, rejection, sadness, disappointment, and
so on—and allow them to be just as they are. In
letting go of aversion to negative feelings, we
become unafraid to completely feel those feel-ings. We turn toward them, rather than away.
Knowing that feelings come and go, we calmly
and patiently watch them arise and subside at
their own pace, saying to ourselves, “Whatever
I am feeling is okay; it is okay to just feel it.”
Acceptance does not mean passivity,
resignation, or complacency. It simply means
seeing things as they are. And when the deci-sion to act becomes clear, then we can also
act with acceptance, and without impulsivity,
resistance, or the like. The paradox is that
when we release our death grip on control, we
gain a greater sense of inner control (“Even if
the situation doesn’t improve, I’ll be okay”).
We gain more confidence in our ability to
manage strong emotions.
When we experience pain or discomfort,
the natural inclination is to try to avoid the
1 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
pain or do something to get rid of the source
of the pain. In the case of outer discomfort
caused by a neighbor’s loud radio, for example,
we might take a drive to get away from the
noise or ask the neighbor to turn down the
volume. However, for inner pain this kind of
approach is usually counterproductive. For
example, one who fears a panic attack tenses
up and tries to fight it. This makes the panic
attack more intense and longer lasting. A better
approach would be to relax, and let the attack
come and then pass. Similarly, people who
have experienced traumatic events may try
fruitlessly to get rid of the memories. It would
be better to accept and process the memory. If
someone experiences chronic pain, one of the
worst things to do is to tense up and fight it.
Often learning to just notice the pain, watch-ing it come and go, helps to diminish the pain.
Tensing, wincing, bracing, or wishing things
weren’t as they are will increase the fight-or-flight response, which exacerbates distress.
Trying to avoid the pain by running away,
sedating oneself with drugs, shopping, watch-ing TV, or using some other form of avoidance
only causes the distress to return with greater
intensity. Similarly, noticing our faults and
negative feelings, and holding them in full,
compassionate awareness changes the way we
relate to distress.
Compassion. Perhaps the central and most
important attitude, compassion is sorrow
over the suffering of others, and a desire
to help. It is closely aligned with love, or
3.
Be Mindful 1
loving-kindness, which is the type of uni-versal or undifferentiated love that consid-ers the worth and needs of all humans. The
Dalai Lama has noted that in the West com-passion is an attitude that is only extended
toward others. In Tibet, compassion is felt
toward others and self. He adds that in Tibet
he does not see low self-esteem or depression,
because people there experience compassion
toward all people (Goleman 2003).
The following story of compassion
(Hinckley 2000, 28–29) tells of two boys who
were walking along a road that led through a
field. “They saw an old coat and a badly worn
pair of men’s shoes by the roadside, and, in the
distance, they saw the owner working in the
field. The younger boy suggested that they hide
the shoes, conceal themselves, and watch the
perplexity on the owner’s face when he returned.
The older boy, a benevolent lad, thought that
would not be so good. He said the owner
must be a very poor man. After discussing the
matter, they concluded to try another experi-ment. Instead of hiding the shoes, they would
put a silver dollar in each one and, concealing
themselves, see what the owner did when he
discovered the money.
“Soon the man returned from the
field, put on his coat, slipped one foot into
a shoe, felt something hard, took it out, and
found a silver dollar. Wonder and surprise
showed in his face. He looked at the dollar
again and again, turned around and could
see nobody, then proceeded to put on the
other shoe where, to his great surprise, he
0 10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
found another dollar. His feelings overcame
him and he knelt down and offered aloud a
prayer of thanksgiving, in which he spoke of
his wife being sick and helpless and his chil-dren without bread.” After invoking a bless-ing on his benefactors, the man left, and the
boys walked down the road, glad for the good
feeling that their compassion had wrought.
Frank Robinson, a highly talented player
who was honored by the National Baseball Hall
of Fame and became a respected Major League
baseball coach, recently had to pull his third-string catcher out of a game in the middle of
an inning. The catcher had made two errors
and had been unable to prevent seven stolen
bases. Robinson’s team won the game, and the
catcher, with gracious acceptance, said, “If my
daddy was managing the team, I’m sure he
would have done the same thing.” However,
as tears streamed down Robinson’s face at the
post-game press conference, he said, “I feel for
him … I just appreciate him hanging in there
as long as he did … It was not his fault. We
know his shortcoming[s]. They took advantage
of them today. I felt like I had to do [it] for the
good of the club.” Robinson’s reaction was a
remarkable display of compassion.
Mother Teresa said that each individual
person has been created to love and be loved.
Love heals wounds and nurtures growth. We
admire people who demonstrate compassion
and know how good it feels to experience it,
both as the giver and receiver. So in our effort
to develop heartfulness we form the intention
to be compassionate toward all people, includ-
Be Mindful 1
ing our self—to experience loving-kindness as
we struggle, to have the intention to help as
we try to overcome suffering.
Nonjudgment. A young child plays without
inhibition. Later, the child learns to evalu-ate and judge. Do you ever stop to consider
how often we adults do this? We say, “I’m not
good at this,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m not as good
as Mary,” “Why can’t I be better than I am?”
“Why is my self-esteem so low?” “I stink,” “I
should be improving faster,” “I’m not doing as
well as I did yesterday,” “I don’t like the way I
am,” “I’ll never get better,” “What if I don’t get
promoted?” “It’s awful to be feeling afraid,” or
“I shouldn’t be feeling sad.” But which works
better, a carrot or a stick? Does saying mean
things motivate effectively? Or do loving-kindness and encouragement work better? A
person who puts him- or herself down finds it
more difficult to rise. As a tennis coach said,
“Sometimes you just have to stop the nega-tive thinking and judgments that get in the
way. Just think, ‘Bounce, hit.’” Watch what
happens, without judging yourself. It can be
quite liberating to realize that we don’t have to
overreact to situations by issuing harsh, pun-ishing judgments that lead to intense negative
emotions. We just note what is happening and
respond as well as we can. If you do notice that
you are judging yourself or your performance,
don’t judge the judging. Thank the ordinary
mind for trying to help you improve, and then
calmly bring your mind back to what you are
doing in the present moment.
4.
10 Simple Solutions to Self-Esteem
Nonattachment. The Eastern masters teach
that attachment is the root of unhappiness.
Thus, if I insist that I need a certain kind of
car in order to be happy, I might be sad if I
don’t have it. If I get that car, I might fear
that it will be damaged. Or I might become
angry if it gets scratched or stolen. Similarly,
if I am attached to my body, my self-esteem
might be lowered as I age or put on a few
pounds. So we can practice loosening our
grip on what we demand in order to have
happiness and self-esteem, trusting that we
already have everything we need for those
two things. This is not meant to suggest that
appreciating and taking care of one’s body
is unimportant—only that externals (money,
recognition, appearance, roles, and the like)
are not the source of self-esteem or happiness.
In India and Africa, monkeys are caught
by attaching a treat-filled coconut to a string.
The coconut has a hole large enough for the
monkey to insert his open hand. Once the
monkey clamps his fist on the banana or sweet
meats inside the coconut, the fist becomes too
large to withdraw. Unwilling to release the
grip, the monkey can be easily captured. In
Tonga, the octopus is a delicacy. Fishermen
dangle a simple lure made from a stone and
shells called a maka-feke from their canoes.
The octopus clamps on to the lure and is then
pulled into the boat (Monson 2006). In both
cases, the attachment is the problem. Various
forms of meditation teach us to release—to
loosen our grip on the things that can prevent
us from experiencing happiness—and relax
5.
Be Mindful 3
into our wisdom minds, where the capacity for
happiness already exists. Paradoxically, as we
release externals and stop struggling so hard
to be something we are not, we gain a greater
appreciation of who we are.
Beginner’s mind. The expert’s mind is closed
to new learning and experience. The beginner’s
mind is open to these. Throughout this book
you will be asked to approach the principles
and skills offered herein with an open mind,
the mind of a child who is experiencing
something for the first time, without overly-ing expectations or assumptions. Don’t auto-matically assume that the way you experi-ence yourself cannot change. Try to balance a
healthy skepticism with a playful openness to
try something new.
Good humor. Much of psychopathology is the
tendency to be overly serious about our present
condition, to take life too seriously. We have
to laugh at ourselves because we all do ridicu-lous things at times. One of life’s greatest chal-lenges is how to enjoy it. As you try the skill
10 Simple Solutions for Building your Self Esteem
by D' Z NUTS Production / 23rd Street Productions Group, posted December 10, 2011|
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